Sunday, January 5, 2014

Life after Shaadi - Anxiety. Love. Fights. Fear. Happiness. Togetherness and etc.etc.etc.

Yep, finally 1.4 years ago I took the plunge and decided to get married. Well it wasn't an easy decision considering how choosy and confused I am. My main concern was will I lose my freedom, how will I manage my space, will I adjust to new circumstances, am I ready to take on new responsibilities...considering that I am a lost soul who always feels like a nomadic tribe;) and sometimes I seriously feel like I'm still a tomboy. I too went through all those mind-boggling questions and was shit-scared of entering into something totally new.

Above all of these,  I had given upon the fact that I am going to meet someone who can understand me and let me be myself. But one fine day suddenly out of nowhere my man enters my life and hats off to him, he is understanding and lets me be me:). Well I guess once you are mature and have been in a relationship where you were dumped for no fault of yours and if you have explored life closely then you reach a stage where you know that other person's life is also important.

I really don't regret that I got married at 32, in fact it helped me as I knew what I want. The disadvantage is that when you grow older and if you are independent person you are bit demanding and you are in no position to compromise on anything..nothing bad in that..but when you are young you are open to adjustments. I knew it right from day one that I'm unlike a typical bahu and I guess am still learning to be as sane as possible;). Also thanks to my in-laws who let me be myself:). 

The reason I am writing this is not to tell my story but to share what I have learnt. If you have found your partner and you know he is just for you (because he loves you unconditionally) then it's worth it to invest your time and effort in to this relationship. 
My advice to all newly married women is that just be patient. That's my first advice and then of course here are my learnings. 
First year of marriage could be a challenge for some, irrespective of whether it was a love or arranged marriage. When you are dating, it's easy as you both are exploring and are attracted to each other and you might ignore small issues. But when you are living together  (and you know that you have decided to spend rest of your life with this special someone) that's when you face the real side of each other. Things could be as minor as putting things into order, cleanliness, taking out time for each other, attending family functions, devoting time towards extended families and so on. It could be as mundane as paying house bills, financial needs,etc.                                             
  • It's really important to understand that you both are very important individuals not just for each other but for everyone around and every individual needs his/her own space. What I learnt is there is no room to take each other for granted, your partner is very important to you and also to others and he needs you and so do you. 'RESPECT' each other and respect each others needs and space.    
  • Don't let your daily chores come in between your relationship. Please remember the first few years of your marriage is only for you both and to explore life together. Then you might think of having kids, you will certainly have to divide your time for all. First & foremost priority should be to focus on getting your equation with your partner right because once you both are comfortable, life with other members and life ahead looks smooth. I request the men also to be patient and not demand and expect the unexpected from your partner. She is in a totally new environment and certainly would need time to adjust to the new settings.
  • Always be open to talk to your partner and listen to your partner. Never hide anything from each other. Always maintain transparency. If your partner is not ready to listen then talk when he in a good mood. If he loves you he will surely hear you out. I guess what worked for me was I have a patient partner who listens and also advises me if my behaviour or words hurt him.
  • It's good to discuss problems and ask for advice, never go to your partner to crib or complain, seek his help to solve a problem. If you feel what you did was wrong then openly admit it.
  • If you are lost in household chores and really don't find it interesting or are stuck with no time then please walk up to him and discuss it openly. I am sure if you both are working you all can find a way, hire a help. If need be seek your partners help in daily chores. Doing it together is all the more fun. You can divide the work. 
  •  Don't conclude anything about your relationship, give it time. Yes of course if your partner is not trustworthy and is an abuser then please stand up for your rights and walk out of it asap.
  • Well the truth is couples do fight and we all are human beings...it's a natural instinct, when you are upset or find something irritating you do argue or shout or throw tantrums. It can also be an extreme ...like me who doesn't know how to handle anger and sometimes I know I am wrong but still can't control my temper and that's when your partner plays an important role. Everybody has a different way of reacting to situations...its very important that at least one of you remain calm and talk out when situation calms down. Please note that small petty issues shouldn't be the reason for you to come to a conclusion that this relationship isn't worth it. 
  • Don't ignore your friends and forget them forever. Marriage shouldn't change anything from your past life. You should spend time with your friends and encourage your partner too. Your marriage should help you grow as a person not diminish your spirits. You do need to spend time with your partner but socializing is equally important. Transformation for good is better..if your partner helps you change into a better person..then its the best thing.
  • Take up a new activity, marriage shouldn't stop you from discovering your self. Everyday we discover something new and you should really try to do something new, learn a new hobby, pursue your hobby, etc. If you both are working and hardly find time for self then you should enrol to some fun class that you can enjoy together.
  • Never restrict your partner from enjoying his life, let him also be himself. Good transformation is always better but ensure he is happy with the transformation. Also don't ever snatch him away from his closed ones. You both share your lives and hence you both should continue to have a continued relationship with your friends and families. 
  • Never criticise about any failures or about his work. Always encourage to do better and applaud for small achievements. Also never take criticism for you being unsuccessful, tell your partner that it will only discourage you and not help you.
  • Ensure on weekends you are spending quality time with each other and talk about important events that took place in that week, what made you feel bad, if any action about your partner has hurt you and its good to discuss  about any new things you both are taking up in the next week. Weekends should be for each other, work hard the whole week but on weekends dedicate time to each other. I work all  6 days so to me its only Sunday and its difficult to manage home so our weekend ideally starts from Saturday evening:). 
Well really don't want to sound like an old lady and go on but these are my few learnings. I am not perfect neither is my partner and life isn't either..so go on and explore and be patient. I am working on it as I am very impatient person but lets see..how it goes:). Please ensure you both enjoy your space and love each other unconditionally and yes everyday is a new challenge, work it out together. If you are not in love then talk to each other and its better to decide about future before its too late.

Cheers!
To all just married women, 1 year into marriage, 2 years into marriage  and to all married women:) 





No comments:

Post a Comment