To Be or Not To Be a Mother - I am a Mother:

Yeah, its been 3 years of our marital life and certainly there is some amount of curiosity among few about our parental status. I deliberately mentioned few because I have seen a huge change in people's thinking and they know that the new age parents do not want to get into something that they are not prepared or its something like why should they bother about your personal life. Great! Keep this attitude through out. And close friends are understanding and also because I talk to them openly about everything. But yes there are questions and I guess some have received some weird replies but then I can't help it because if I say I am not prepared for something big like this or a bigger change, pop will come the answer..."usme kya hain, you just go with the flow, there are so many, you are no different"..ahem ahem...I am different!!!! and I know myself well more than anyone. I know my limitations, my fears etc etc.

Also I was 32 when I got married and we had discussed that our objective of marrying each other is just not about typical stuff but spending life with a companion whom you love, trust and want to be with. If baby happens, its fine and if it can't for some reason we are fine with that too and honestly baby was never the agenda.

I may sound very selfish and indifferent but I think its a personal choice as its my body, my responsibility, my life and your child is nobody but your responsibility.

I guess in India where we live the cycle of birth to death is celebrated, the way it is celebrated may be different but people gather, enjoy, cry, eat, laugh and go. And don't know why we end up pleasing one and all, honestly it's difficult for the couple to always think of making sure about getting pregnant - succumbing to pressure, phew! I always say this, only people who matter to you maybe close friends and immediate family members stay back with you. And we all end up doing something even if we don't want to just to please others who don't even find time to inquire or help you when you need some help. This is our life, us to decide what is good for us, if you and me are not mentally prepared for something that needs attention and care then I suggest we shouldn't go that route. Life is also about living with the present!

Today as I write about my anxiety and reactions about people, I am not even sure if I want to bring someone into this world where I am not sure of its safety. Also I am not sure of adoption, I feel if you all are prepared then its better to give home to someone who needs it the most.

To be or not to be a mother...We can be mother to many who need us the most! Even visiting the orphans, caring about them, feeding the poor is about motherhood. Mother is not about just loving a child, as a daughter too I am a mother now, it's my turn to take care of my parents, now they are going back to the stage where they need utmost attention and care.
Motherhood is just not about procreation, its also about who we are now! I am a daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law and yes I am a mother too:).

Husband's Friend (Female Friend)

Yes, I'm back after a long time. I did want to write something earlier but I guess the routine work life made me very lazy.

Now coming to the topic of discussion - sometimes most of us are mature enough to handle situations and sometimes some incident teaches us thing or two. And I too learnt something but I hope its not too late.

I have some awesome male friends and lucky to have them in my life and some relations over a period of time has evolved into sister brother relationship and some still remain my yaar / dost/soulmates..;) I guess we all must have gone through this feeling - that life was so much fun when we all were single or in a relationship but then one day all got married and something changed. 

Your soulmates (male friends) are now very busy, not available to you at anytime of the day for stupid suggestions you need or no more your 3 a.m friends. In some cases all this might have happened between you and your girlfriends but let us look at it some other time:) as topic of discussion is relationship between a married man and his female friend. 

I know now things are not the same as it used to be. Becoz certainly in most of the cases the better half might not be comfortable or yes priorities have changed, one has a core responsibility to keep each other happy. And I guess its really hard to explain your wife - how beautiful your relationship is with your girl-friend (female friend). But as a female friend we too have to understand that our male friend is married now and we should respect his space and not disturb him especially at odd times. I am sure you will have some girl friends / other friends or relatives who might come to your rescue when you need help. Also somewhere we need to learn to be independent as it might not be possible for our friends to be available for us always. 

And just to justify, least we want to do is, turn our beautiful relationship into something like 'oh he is my brother, she is like my sister, we are like siblings'...'Kya ek ladka ladki dost nahin ho sakte hahin' ;), well..ho sakte hain..I have wonderful friends around who respect my space and I respect theirs. And my husband understands all these better than me. He handles all this gracefully and doesn't stress me with CBI questions. But obviously if somebody calls late in the night ...every alternate day might not be taken well by anybody.

I also know there are some women who don't pay much attention to all these and will still behave the same when the are with their friends wives.  Its ok to do that when you know your friends wife too well and you also know that she is pretty cool to handle it and doesn't feel bad. Let me also share a secret, we women - we feel so proud that our husband is our best friend and he is only ours..and blah...blah and mera pati sirf mera hain....;). 

There is a thin line and its difficult to judge if a friend really admires your husband as  a friend or is there something more to that. 

But what do we have to lose, if he has to go, he will and its better to let someone go amicably and then fuss about it and stress your heart the whole life. 

Well one incident changed my thinking because I was that girl-friend <read -female friend> of a married husband. I sensed some discomfort (though I was not the matter of concern), but it did teach me something, soon I realized how sometimes I too feel bit insecure ... it was the awakening for me. 

And after this awakening, I told my husband - "I know now how it feels to be a friend of a married male friend and I really do not want to spoil a beautiful relationship only because I am a wife, I know what it means to have a friend " and I guess we all should care about our friends. 

I mean life is too small to worry about things like "OMG is he with her or is she with him and they gell so well, they laugh and all but when I am around they don't, may be he likes her more than me or she likes him more than me"...I guess we all then should take a moment and really sit back and wonder if this relationship is meant to be. 'Trust' is the key and yes both the partners should talk about it like two grown-ups and build that. Sometimes it doesn't come on the same day you enter a relationship, both have to work on it and build it together. If you are going out with a friend from opposite sex, inform your spouse, build that trust, don't keep them in the dark, and yes certainly your spouse should understand it and let you enjoy your space. But this liberty and space shouldn't mean that you flirt around and cheat on your partner. 

It's very important that we spend quality time with our partners and do fun things together. 

Also I guess we should take care how we behave with our friends when we have our spouses around, if you have a cool spouse then need not worry but if your spouse is sensitive you have to work on building that trust and then make her/him comfortable. 

Well and yes let me also tell you...whoever has been following my write-ups..marriages has ups and downs but do not let anyone take you for granted and if you feel your partner is cheating on you..face it and please talk about it. What action you want to take and how you want lead your life is your personal choice but do express your feelings. 

And yes we both do keep fighting but at the end of the day we love and need each other and we love our friends:). 

Cya.

Life after Shaadi - Anxiety. Love. Fights. Fear. Happiness. Togetherness and etc.etc.etc.

Yep, finally 1.4 years ago I took the plunge and decided to get married. Well it wasn't an easy decision considering how choosy and confused I am. My main concern was will I lose my freedom, how will I manage my space, will I adjust to new circumstances, am I ready to take on new responsibilities...considering that I am a lost soul who always feels like a nomadic tribe;) and sometimes I seriously feel like I'm still a tomboy. I too went through all those mind-boggling questions and was shit-scared of entering into something totally new.

Above all of these,  I had given upon the fact that I am going to meet someone who can understand me and let me be myself. But one fine day suddenly out of nowhere my man enters my life and hats off to him, he is understanding and lets me be me:). Well I guess once you are mature and have been in a relationship where you were dumped for no fault of yours and if you have explored life closely then you reach a stage where you know that other person's life is also important.

I really don't regret that I got married at 32, in fact it helped me as I knew what I want. The disadvantage is that when you grow older and if you are independent person you are bit demanding and you are in no position to compromise on anything..nothing bad in that..but when you are young you are open to adjustments. I knew it right from day one that I'm unlike a typical bahu and I guess am still learning to be as sane as possible;). Also thanks to my in-laws who let me be myself:). 

The reason I am writing this is not to tell my story but to share what I have learnt. If you have found your partner and you know he is just for you (because he loves you unconditionally) then it's worth it to invest your time and effort in to this relationship. 

My advice to all newly married women is that just be patient. That's my first advice and then of course here are my learnings. 

First year of marriage could be a challenge for some, irrespective of whether it was a love or arranged marriage. When you are dating, it's easy as you both are exploring and are attracted to each other and you might ignore small issues. But when you are living together  (and you know that you have decided to spend rest of your life with this special someone) that's when you face the real side of each other. Things could be as minor as putting things into order, cleanliness, taking out time for each other, attending family functions, devoting time towards extended families and so on. It could be as mundane as paying house bills, financial needs,etc.                                             

• It's really important to understand that you both are very important individuals not just for each other but for everyone around and every individual needs his/her own space. What I learnt is there is no room to take each other for granted, your partner is very important to you and also to others and he needs you and so do you. 'RESPECT' each other and respect each others needs and space.    
• Don't let your daily chores come in between your relationship. Please remember the first few years of your marriage is only for you both and to explore life together. Then you might think of having kids, you will certainly have to divide your time for all. First & foremost priority should be to focus on getting your equation with your partner right because once you both are comfortable, life with other members and life ahead looks smooth. I request the men also to be patient and not demand and expect the unexpected from your partner. She is in a totally new environment and certainly would need time to adjust to the new settings.
• Always be open to talk to your partner and listen to your partner. Never hide anything from each other. Always maintain transparency. If your partner is not ready to listen then talk when he in a good mood. If he loves you he will surely hear you out. I guess what worked for me was I have a patient partner who listens and also advises me if my behaviour or words hurt him.
• It's good to discuss problems and ask for advice, never go to your partner to crib or complain, seek his help to solve a problem. If you feel what you did was wrong then openly admit it.
• If you are lost in household chores and really don't find it interesting or are stuck with no time then please walk up to him and discuss it openly. I am sure if you both are working you all can find a way, hire a help. If need be seek your partners help in daily chores. Doing it together is all the more fun. You can divide the work. 
•  Don't conclude anything about your relationship, give it time. Yes of course if your partner is not trustworthy and is an abuser then please stand up for your rights and walk out of it asap.
• Well the truth is couples do fight and we all are human beings...it's a natural instinct, when you are upset or find something irritating you do argue or shout or throw tantrums. It can also be an extreme ...like me who doesn't know how to handle anger and sometimes I know I am wrong but still can't control my temper and that's when your partner plays an important role. Everybody has a different way of reacting to situations...its very important that at least one of you remain calm and talk out when situation calms down. Please note that small petty issues shouldn't be the reason for you to come to a conclusion that this relationship isn't worth it. 
• Don't ignore your friends and forget them forever. Marriage shouldn't change anything from your past life. You should spend time with your friends and encourage your partner too. Your marriage should help you grow as a person not diminish your spirits. You do need to spend time with your partner but socializing is equally important. Transformation for good is better..if your partner helps you change into a better person..then its the best thing.
• Take up a new activity, marriage shouldn't stop you from discovering your self. Everyday we discover something new and you should really try to do something new, learn a new hobby, pursue your hobby, etc. If you both are working and hardly find time for self then you should enrol to some fun class that you can enjoy together.
• Never restrict your partner from enjoying his life, let him also be himself. Good transformation is always better but ensure he is happy with the transformation. Also don't ever snatch him away from his closed ones. You both share your lives and hence you both should continue to have a continued relationship with your friends and families. 
• Never criticise about any failures or about his work. Always encourage to do better and applaud for small achievements. Also never take criticism for you being unsuccessful, tell your partner that it will only discourage you and not help you.
• Ensure on weekends you are spending quality time with each other and talk about important events that took place in that week, what made you feel bad, if any action about your partner has hurt you and its good to discuss  about any new things you both are taking up in the next week. Weekends should be for each other, work hard the whole week but on weekends dedicate time to each other. I work all  6 days so to me its only Sunday and its difficult to manage home so our weekend ideally starts from Saturday evening:). 

Well really don't want to sound like an old lady and go on but these are my few learnings. I am not perfect neither is my partner and life isn't either..so go on and explore and be patient. I am working on it as I am very impatient person but lets see..how it goes:). Please ensure you both enjoy your space and love each other unconditionally and yes everyday is a new challenge, work it out together. If you are not in love then talk to each other and its better to decide about future before its too late.

Cheers!
To all just married women, 1 year into marriage, 2 years into marriage  and to all married women:)